Should you force kids to take music lessons?
Should you force kids to take music lessons?
I’m updating my teaching profile to include a new requirement for students: they must consent to taking lessons.
Really, I’ve always had this rule, but I think it’s time I codified it and made it official. The reason I’ve been thinking about it is that this fall, I accepted a four-year-old beginner piano student. My stated minimum age is 5. But I agreed to give this student a chance, although I expected even before the first lesson that I would have to decline to continue and refund the parents for all future lessons. Kids this little rarely want to take piano; with preschoolers, it’s always the parents’ idea.
Seven months later, this little student, now age 5, is playing and learning and having fun making music with me every week, and I’m so glad to know them and be their teacher.
I can’t help but remember another four-year-old whose parents wanted them to take lessons. It’s a bit of a sad memory. I didn’t continue with that child, because I knew I couldn’t teach them.
What was the difference between these two kids? One was curious about music, and one was not. This other four-year-old made it quite clear to me that they were not interested in piano and they did not want to have lessons, and I couldn’t in good conscience spend another minute trying to force it on them. Because I just can’t teach a student who doesn’t want to learn.
I have three main reasons for not wanting to teach unwilling students. But before I explain them, first we should talk about why parents might force their kids into taking music lessons.
There are any number of reasons a parent might want their child to take music lessons. Here are a few of the most typical ones:
Reasons to enroll your child in music lessons
Childhood music study yields developmental benefits (yes it does)
Music knowledge is part of basic education (I agree)
Music has inherent value; kids should be exposed to music and learn to appreciate it (yeah!)
More stuff to show off on college applications someday (ugh really?)
Formal music education is a class/status symbol (ugh again… but ya gotta admit that’s a real perception in our society. I’ll get into that topic another time.)
As you can see from my parenthetical comments, some of these reasons are, in my qualified opinion, good ones. Music lessons do provide developmental benefits. And basic competence in music skills, aural skills, music reading, famous repertoire, etc., is considered by many cultures and individual parents to be an essential part of education for anyone, musically inclined or not. Schools don’t necessarily teach music basics, so private lessons serve as an alternative. We don’t give kids the option to choose not to receive a basic education in other subjects, so why would music be an exception?
And I VERY much agree that music should be studied for its own sake! I’m okay with parents hoping that taking piano or singing lessons will increase their little one’s IQ and give them a leg up on the kind of cognition they’ll need to succeed in school. But I don’t think music study needs that justification. I know a number of adults who didn’t engage with music much as kids, and as adults they somehow feel they’re not equipped to appreciate music properly. Providing someone the opportunity to forge their own connection to music is an invaluable gift.
I’m not so sure about cultivating music skill just to show it off as proof of intelligence or status. That feels really icky to me. But if it matters to you, that’s legit. Who am I to tell you what to value?
You can parent however you want. You can value any of these reasons as much as you choose, and you can give your child as much or as little say in deciding to take music lessons as you want. Just know that the drawbacks of forcing it may counter or outweigh the benefit you’re hoping to achieve.
Which brings me to my first reason for not teaching students who are forced to take lessons:
When you’re forced, you resist
Kids often don’t know what’s good for them. That’s the biggest reason parents enroll their kids in music lessons without giving them a choice about it. Developmentally, a child is unable to evaluate the worth of music lessons beyond their moment-to-moment emotional experience. They may not really even realize that they like and benefit from lessons, because the only thing they remember is dragging their feet about practice time. They may hate the process, but someday they may appreciate the results and be grateful to their parents for pushing them.
That’s what parents hope will happen, anyway. But what’s the real end result?
I’ve collected a great deal of anecdotal data about the end result of forced music study. Some folks are grateful their parents made them learn piano, but many are resentful, or even emotionally scarred for life. So many people have told me they wish they hadn’t quit piano as a kid. Many people say they regret not taking better advantage of their childhood lessons, or that they could have gotten so much more out of lessons if they hadn’t been resisting the whole situation. There are adults who believe that being forced to take lessons destroyed their love of music.
For most people who had a bad experience with childhood music lessons, it wasn’t music that was the problem; lessons were simply the arena in which another battle was being fought.
As soon as a parent says, “You have to take lessons, because I said so,” it’s never going to be about music.
Consent is important
Let’s be clear that I’m not advocating for treating kids like adults or letting them do whatever they want. Parents push their kids to do and learn all sorts of necessary things that the child would just say no to if it were entirely up to them. It’s a fundamental responsibility of a parent to teach their child to do what they should, instead of just what they want.
But I don’t think parents should coerce kids to take music lessons when the kid is firmly opposed. I don’t think that kids should be engaging with music, or any educational activity, under threat of punishment or against their will.
Haven’t we, as a culture, come to recognize the crucial importance of consent in social activity? Children are people. People deserve to have agency. Telling someone that it doesn’t matter what they want, that they don’t get a say in how they spend their time and energy, is profoundly damaging. No matter what benefit they might ultimately receive, it’s not worth the other repercussions. As a teacher, I’m not okay with being party to a situation that systematically teaches someone that their feelings don’t matter. I can’t get on board with that.
And speaking of my feelings…
Teaching an unwilling student sucks
To be honest, I just don’t want to teach a kid who doesn’t want to be there. It’s exhausting and demoralizing. Student resistance makes my job harder, and sometimes impossible. And when I have to try to make someone learn who doesn’t want to, I feel super bad about it!
I like playing with kids, learning about them and learning with them, and exploring music together.
I do not like torturing kids. It’s not fun or fulfilling. Please don’t ask me to do it. And please, don’t ask me to take the thing I love and make it into the cause of someone else’s misery.
I’m going to go even further and say that I can’t teach a kid who is unwilling to engage.
The way I teach is fundamentally student-led. That doesn’t mean the student decides everything and I serve at their pleasure. That would be ineffective, and I’d be irresponsible to let a student of any age learn only what they specifically ask for. “Child-led” is a frequently misunderstood concept. It doesn’t mean you let a kid do whatever they feel like; it means you teach by guiding a child toward discovery, by helping them to pursue their interests and to solve their own problems, and by respecting their thoughts and feelings.
If my student doesn’t have curiosity about music and a willingness to experiment and discover with me, I can’t teach them. I won’t steamroll a kid through a set curriculum with no regard to how they react to it. I have dismissed students - yes, just walked away from money their parents wanted to give me - because I could tell after several lessons that they did not have any curiosity about music. (See also: You have to have a spark)
Making a deal to take music lessons
So what can you do if you want your child to reap the benefits of music lessons, but they are reluctant?
Even if a kid doesn’t want to take lessons, you can still convince them to give music a try. If there’s no inherent motivation to study music, cut a deal with them. Make it a specific agreement with clear boundaries.
For example, ask the child to agree to practice for a set amount of time daily, keep a positive attitude during lessons, and perform in all the studio recitals until the end of the school year; you will pay for the lessons, provide their materials and transportation, and remind them of their practice schedule. At the end of the year, they can quit, or you’ll decide together on a new agreement for the future.
Or you might propose that the child will attend lessons every week until they have completed one entire lesson book, and when their teacher agrees they have learned the whole thing, they get a trip to Disneyland as a reward. Once they’ve achieved that goal, you can plan the next goal together.
(If they say they want to quit, consult Signs you should let your kid quit lessons before you agree!)
In order for a contract like this to work, the student has to have a genuine choice. They have to have some modicum of actual control in the situation. They have to have the opportunity to say no. But if they say yes, they will be more genuinely invested than they ever could have been if they hadn’t had a choice. You don’t need to force a kid into taking music lessons; they’ll benefit much more if they participate voluntarily.
And if you do force them, well, find a teacher who’s not me.
