Sorry, I can’t teach you
Sorry, I can’t teach you
You probably thought this was going to be an article about how some people are unteachable - some people lack the aptitude to learn singing or piano, or they don’t have natural talent or an ear for music. NOPE!
Let me reiterate that I don’t believe there’s such a thing as a student who can’t be taught. I’ve written a few things about talent, and how I think the whole concept is worse than useless.
There are no unteachable people.
But there are people that I can’t teach.
Any teacher who claims to be able to teach anything to anyone is either deluded or predatory. That’s why I’m totally unashamed to say that there are some people I can’t teach. It’s important to me, though, for prospective students to understand why I would turn them away, and to know they don’t need to fear being rejected for being untalented or unteachable.
These are the three circumstances in which I will decline a student or terminate lessons:
When the student or their guardian repeatedly or egregiously disrespects our relationship.
When I recognize that I can’t meet the student’s needs.
When the student does not consent to participate.
Let me go into a little more detail about what circumstances are covered by these three categories.
#1: Relationship is key
Situation number one is both simple and complex. The general idea is simple: The personal relationship between teacher and student is foundational to learning. When that relationship is not positive and stable, the well-being of the teacher and/or the student is compromised. And when that happens, learning is compromised.
Recognizing an untenable relationship in a real-life scenario is much more complex. I have a high tolerance for kids being kids, but I have to terminate students for significant bad behavior, out of respect for myself and my own energy. And sometimes it’s parents, or adult students, who cross a line with rude or inappropriate behavior.* Where I draw that line is a decision I have to make on a case-by-case basis, because every relationship is unique and has many factors.
I can’t accept a situation where my client and I don’t have clear communication and mutual respect. What that looks like will be different in every situation, but I’ll know it when I see it. Disrespect can take the form of rude comments or tones of voice. It could be seen in insulting actions, like constantly disregarding my instructions, or devaluing my time with frequent tardiness and schedule changes. Or it could be distrustful or controlling behavior, like a student or a guardian insisting on dictating what, when, where, and how I teach.
A private music teacher and their clients also have a business relationship. Violate my business policies, and I won’t do business with you. It’s that simple.
*Seriously, one time a client yelled at me on the phone and sent me offensive angry voicemails and text messages, and later demanded that I apologize to them for making them mad. Hahaha NO.
On to number two!
#2: Mismatches happen
Sometimes I’m not the right teacher for someone. It could be for a practical reason, such as when my schedule is full or is incompatible with theirs. I might also decide it’s best to stop lessons if the student and I are not a good personality or learning style fit, or when the student wants to learn something I’m not equipped to teach. It’s no one’s fault; we just have to acknowledge that it’s not going to work out.
When I turn someone away, I don’t blame the student for not learning. I take responsibility for being unable to teach them. It’s because I’ve reached my limits; that does not mean they’ve reached theirs.
I know that I, like any teacher, have strengths and weaknesses. One of the things that (I hope) makes me a good teacher is that I put my student’s needs and desires first, ahead of my preferred curriculum or my ego or my bottom line. Now, I don’t give up easily. I’m resourceful and patient and tenacious. But if my student is not getting what they need from me, and I feel I’ve exhausted my resources and have nothing more to offer them, I would let them go, for their own benefit.
One more time: I don’t believe there’s such a thing as an unteachable student. Just because I haven’t succeeded in teaching them, it doesn’t mean they can’t learn.
This is a really important topic to me. As I said, I’ve written a few longer articles about musical aptitude and talent, but let me sum up my views on the subject as it relates to whether I will teach a particular student:
Anyone could learn to have skill at making music. Each person's levels and types of music aptitude are different, and yes, people have limits. But I don't know what those limits might be. I would never draw the conclusion that someone COULDN'T learn to be better at music than they are. You can't prove a negative. As long as I have more teaching strategies to try, I would never give up on a student who wants to learn, regardless of their progress.
People have unique individual capacities for appreciating and connecting to music, too. Sometimes a person may nearly lack the ability to like music, and if they don’t like music, they might, understandably, be uninterested in lessons.
I will try to help someone discover their own connection to music, as long as they're willing to explore. I can never assume someone has reached the limits of their ability to enjoy music, any more than I can assume they've reached their skill limit.
There are people who won’t ever love music. There are people who can't get much better at music than they are now. I respect the fact that those people exist, and that a student of mine could be one of them. But I don't pretend I can tell for sure who those people are, so I will never use those reasons as a basis for terminating a student.
Basically, I will try to teach anyone who's willing to learn.
But if they don’t want to learn?...
#3: No means no
I will stop teaching a student who wants to stop. No matter how good they are, no matter how much potential they may have, and no matter how beneficial lessons could be for them, I will let them go when they decide to go.
As much as I love music, and as much as I believe in my students' ability to grow, I cannot cross the boundaries of someone's consent. I will not teach a student who is being forced to take lessons and wants to refuse.
I wrote another piece recently about student consent, Should you force kids to take music lessons? I was surprised at the number of social media comments I got from people who didn’t understand what was wrong with forcing kids to take lessons, so I think this topic is worth another visit right here.
Students might say no to lessons for any number of reasons. Even if someone enjoys music, that doesn’t mean they are interested in learning to make it. Maybe they’d rather make music in a different way than I teach. Maybe they’d rather just listen. Those are perfectly good reasons for not wanting to have lessons.
A teacher or parent might try to convince a student to change their mind about refusing lessons. That’s fair, and in many cases it’s called for. When people are young, they don’t always reason things out well, and they don’t always see their own thoughts and feelings clearly. Adults should be there to help young people make good decisions.
But helping them make a decision does not mean deciding for them. Convincing is not the same thing as coercing. The student should have agency to agree to participate, or to refuse. Without it, they’ll never really be invested in learning.
In the end, it doesn’t matter why they don’t want lessons. It doesn’t matter if a kid has made what adults think is a good decision. If a student is unwilling to participate in lessons, I feel it would be wrong to try to compel them.
Searching for the teacher who’s right for you, or for your child? Make sure you know what factors to consider when you’re shopping around for a music teacher.
And if you think I might be the teacher you’re looking for, visit my Teaching page to learn more about taking lessons with me.
